1951-, American Journalist
All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.
Fran Lebowitz – [Beauty]
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
Fran Lebowitz – [Women]
Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step — it is an old business procedure.
Fran Lebowitz – [Opinions]
Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching.
Fran Lebowitz – [Television]
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian.
Fran Lebowitz – [Women]
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
Fran Lebowitz – [Humility]
If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.
Fran Lebowitz – [Dogs]
If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.
Fran Lebowitz – [Suicide]
If you're going to America, bring your own food.
Life is something you do when you can't get to sleep.
Fran Lebowitz – [Life and Living]
Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.
Fran Lebowitz – [Originality]
Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
Fran Lebowitz – [Youth]
Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
Fran Lebowitz – [Mathematics]
Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.
Fran Lebowitz – [Success]
The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive — you are leaking.
Fran Lebowitz – [Appearance]
The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
Fran Lebowitz – [Conversation]
There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.
Fran Lebowitz – [Peace of Mind]
Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.