A funeral eulogy is a belated plea for the defense delivered after the evidence is all in.
Irvin S. Cobb – [Funerals]

A sudden violent jolt of it has been known to stop the victim's watch, snap his suspenders and crack his glass eye right across.
Irvin S. Cobb – [Alcohol and Alcoholism]

An epitaph is a belated advertisement for a line of goods that has been discontinued.
Irvin S. Cobb – [Epitaphs]

You couldn't tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation.
Irvin S. Cobb – [Fashion]