1894-1957, American Radio Comic
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Fred A. Allen – [Fame]
A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Fred A. Allen – [Committees and Meetings]
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
Fred A. Allen – [Gentlemen]
A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 p.m. to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
Fred A. Allen – [Office]
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
Fred A. Allen – [Advertising]
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
Fred A. Allen – [Hollywood]
He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
Fred A. Allen – [Dreams]
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
Fred A. Allen – [Fashion]
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
Fred A. Allen – [Hollywood]
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and — I can't remember what the third thing is.
Fred A. Allen – [Memory]
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Fred A. Allen – [Ancestry]
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
Fred A. Allen – [Contentment]
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred A. Allen – [Exercise]
It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.
Fred A. Allen – [Cooperation]
Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
Fred A. Allen – [Life and Death]
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
Fred A. Allen – [Christians and Christianity]
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
Fred A. Allen – [Pride]
The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.
Fred A. Allen – [Travel and Tourism]
The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
Fred A. Allen – [Cities and City Life]
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred A. Allen – [Churches]